Actually Autistic Me: Revisited

It’s been a while since I’ve written about my ongoing journey since realising I was autistic. In fact I came across a brilliant post by a Neurodivergent Advocate on social media called Neurowild. They talked about noticing more and more spaces in their life where they are “moretistic”. What a great word. It’s about feeling safe and secure to be more authentic. And that’s about feeling able to be authentically autistic more of the time. Far less hiding the most wonderful parts of ourselves. Even if sometimes that still feels quite scary. This really resonates with me. Because since I last reflected on my autistic journey I have definitely noticed I am ‘moretistic’ than I was before.

Some key things that help me to be me:

• Having allies who can advocate on my behalf when needed are essential. One place I can struggle is in committee meetings. Especially because I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to say anything verbally. In our divisional EDI committee meetings being able to use the chat function can be very useful, both in the wider meeting but also if there is something I would find it helpful for someone in the team to say on my behalf. Being able to type that request is phenomenally helpful. I think this is also why having hybrid options are invaluable! And I really hope, very much here to stay. When I attend committee meetings on my own, I will write down (I know, so old school) any points I know I want to make but I also feel more comfortable saying if I need to share thoughts after the meeting. These may feel like things that many of you do and don’t even think twice about it. But for me, learning that it’s okay not to have perfectly formed answers off the top of my head is huge progress.
• Asking for what I need: I now feel more confident about asking for what I need when I am facilitating workshops in person. For example, someone to meet me at reception/the entrance to the building to ensure I get to the right location, someone to help me with the technology side of things because that additional stress and anxiety is just no fun (for any of us, but for me if I encounter unexpected challenges around the technology side of things it can throw me out for the session) and if it’s a hybrid session I will ask for someone to help manage any messages or contributions coming in from online participants. All of this is because I feel more confident in being clearer about what I can and can’t do (and trying not to feel guilty about it!).
• A community: I’ve come to realise just how important a community of people who ‘get it’ is. And the validation of experiences they provide. Since I last wrote about being autistic along with a few others I have set up a Teams channel for fellow neurodivergent folks in the University. And it continues to do exactly what I hoped it would do. A safe, supportive space for people to ask questions, share information and just basically be ourselves. I have also realised how important it is to have autistic friends within the University. People who both understand the autistic experience AND the University is a winning combination.

Things I am still working on

I am now experiencing the world without anti-depressants for the first time knowing I am autistic. In fact I am now not on anti-depressants for the first time since I was a teenager. Mostly this is a good thing. I felt ready to come off them. And in fact I suspect that what was diagnosed as depression was in fact very much more likely to have been undiagnosed autism and autistic burnout (especially during the severe depressive episodes I experienced over the years). I have always been hyper empathetic. I’d go as far as to call myself an empathy sponge. This isn’t a bad thing of course but I am now having to learn new ways of managing what this means to me and how it impacts on.

My 100% is not, and never will be the same as others. I was reminded by a very good friend of something I said to her recently along the lines of: If I can only give 40% that is my 100%. In a society (and a University) that is still driven by productivity, long hours, and presenteeism it is really hard to remember that I don’t have to compare myself to everyone else. I do the best I can. My 100% will always be different to other people. Maybe we all need to remember that our 100% is unique to each and every one of us?

Lastly, I recently watched the second series of A Kind of Spark on BBC i-player (based on the wonderful book by Elle McNichol). I highly recommend both reading her books and watching the televised adaptations. There are many neurodivergent characters, played by neurodivergent actors. A stipulation by the author who is also autistic. She even ensured that many of the production team were neurodivergent too. Such a neuro-affirming approach.

There is a short dialogue between the main character Addie who is autistic and her best friend in which she invites her to say out loud that she is enough. So, I am saying it here to you and to myself. I, Hannah Ravenswood, am enough.

A range of neuro-inclusive recommendations (shared with permission by a range of current staff who include: a HAF, a Professor, members of PSS staff and a Post-doc):

• Clarity and specificity in directions (i.e. who is doing what by when, etc.).
• An explanation of rationale for changes in a scheduled plan.
• A bit of space to absorb and adjust to an unavoidable change/sudden disruption/unexpected put-on-the-spot request before being required to respond (for example give me 5 minutes, I'll be on it; give me 0 minutes, I will shut down).
• The possibility of arriving early to check out a new meeting/teaching space and settle in it.
• No mystery summonses (i.e. do 'can we have a quick call about the role you're doing for X?', not 'can we have a quick call?’).
• A bit of time to process new information if it's complex and/or important before you ask me for my view on it.
• Slides/presentation materials available ahead of meetings, even if that's only 10 minutes, as we're all so pressed for time; any advance viewing always helps with processing in the meeting itself.
• I don't work onsite on consecutive days so I can recharge at home.
• Flexibility around working hours e.g. avoiding travelling on public transport when it is most busy.
• My desk is in a corner so I'm not overwhelmed by the noises coming at me from all directions.
• I don't necessarily get the social cues in meetings so people will invite me in when it's my turn to speak.
• After meetings, we summarise the main points and actions (via email or Teams message so I can refer back).
• Being able to join meetings remotely so that if I am feeling too overwhelmed to be there in person I can still participate (and not be judged for not being there in person).
• Being able to use aids such as ear plugs, fidget toys and other sensory soothing things (without judgement) enable me to focus more and participate more fully.